Just Desserts

It's not always that easy to show myself I love me.

Lately I've been in this mode of observation, whereby I notice my mind taking an easier route than what actually makes me comfortable or content. Somehow, I've also been in a state of mind to see that that just doesn't fly.

For example, I was watching TV with my family a couple of weeks ago. I've got this pesky neck thing that requires a lot of paying attention and maintenance to avoid chronic discomfort. We were maybe 20 minutes into the movie, and I had already paused it for a good 5 minutes to get the tea ready for everyone, and I'm feeling like a heel because "I always do this. Everyone's always waiting for me." I notice my neck starting to complain and I start the inner turmoil about whether to stop the show again for all my silly physical issues, like some invalid prima donna. Then suddenly this light bulb flashed: I'm an expression of God and it's my job to take care of this vehicle I'm in. It's important for me to be comfortable. It's not trivial. I am a Divine Being. And I stopped the movie and got the bloody Bucky Pillow. No one even rolled their eyes.

Later that week I was at a birthday party which included a performance. I was standing in the corner, watching with some friends next to an empty chair. One friend asked if I wanted to sit. I did; my back was starting to get tired. Instead I shook it off. Why should I get the chair when someone else might want it? A few minutes went by and the light bulb, now swaying above me as if from a low ceiling, smacked me in the head. Um, sit in the chair. Take care of yourself. It's important.

It's an act of Love, is what it is.

Okay, so maybe this sounds tiny and trivial, but I began to put this notion into practice. Just here and there, to see what happened. Every time I notice I'm making a choice between convenience or not-being-a-bother and doing what my body or my being needs I tap into that love for all Creation, myself included, and the choice becomes clear. Flossing as a form of a hug.

Now let me take this one step further. I'm someone who, for the past several years, has suffered from a number of debilitating ailments. The list of foods I can't eat is now longer than the list of okay choices. This gets old. Physically, I know what the root of this issue is now. I know what to avoid to control it, and I've got assistance in taking things to eliminate it. Somehow, though, I still am challenged when it comes to making choices that don't cause me pain.

I've been telling myself stories from the role of the victim, the role of the addict, the role of the ignorant, the fixer, the child, the loser, etc. After even rounds of pharmaceuticals, I'm still struggling. And I can't stand explaining to EVERYONE what I can't eat and why and what it does and all the helpful suggestions and the looks of "Wow, you're a freak! I'm sure glad I'm not you!" I even got a "Oh. You're one of those!" sneers from a well-meaning church elder as I refused a homemade cinnamon roll.

So why won't any of it work? Have you guessed?

And I think this is a breakthrough. I am a Divine Creation and I deserve perfect health and well-being. This doesn't just mean, "okay. so now I believe wellness is available to me so now - heal me!" It means that every time I choose sprouted sunflower seeds over puffed millet (which hurts me) I am just overwhelmed with love. I can be in love with making choices that lead to feeling good. I am allowed to feel good because I am a Divine Creator. I am a part of God, Source, All-That-Is. I AM no less Divine than any reckoning of Divinity and it is a joy to care for this physical emanation that I have been gifted with in this moment.

Sometimes the story has been that I serve best by being ill - the Wounded Healer - but this is a martyr complex of sorts, isn't it? I think I've actually believed that someone somewhere actually benefits by my incapacity. This story also perpetuates the guilt that is generated by spending so much money (you have no idea) on all the supplements and treatments that I only need because I've got no will-power, right?

Holy Cow!

Okay, so listen up. Loving yourself, REALLY loving yourself, is no crime. It does no one any good to deny yourself the things you need to be well and strong and comfortable. I mean those things that come from a place of balance and centeredness. I don't mean those things you need to be better -the things the Western media would have you believe you need: a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect teeth, a perfect iPhone, even a perfect education. I mean those things that, in serving yourself, serves the greater whole. The things that come from the YES that sings in your heart and belly if you listen. It has a language of its own. It isn't hard to learn, once you let it in.

Be still. Breathe. Can you hear it?

Look Me in the Eye and Say That!

Right now we're in the process of selling my husband's family home. We're up to our neck in renovation demands we agreed to simply to keep the peace with the buyers, even though these requests don't seem altogether fair. We were given a hefty list of fairly expensive upgrades which even included an open-ended bill for the decommissioning of the oil tank. This was given to us by our realtor via her assistant via the buyers' realtor in a game of "telephone", and when we asked the buyers to just wait a minute until the estimate came back for the tank, panic ensued; the "we're-gonna-walk" card was played.

So now we're stuck paying for a whole bunch of stuff we hadn't planned for -stuff we really don't mind, but which was more expensive than we had imagined. Which is fine, really. However, I feel like much of the panic and frustration surrounding the process could have been avoided if we were able to look the buyers directly in the eye and have a conversation. If we were human beings to one another, and could hear the tone in the other's voice there would be an opportunity for a heart-connection that just isn't available in the current paradigm.

I know I'm guilty of perpetuating a similar sense of distance in my own life. I think it's just a mode we've gotten used to working in. I know I'd much rather start a conversation via email than (gasp) call someone on the phone, even though all my questions could easily be resolved in the space of moments, rather than days as I wait for a response. A lot of my shopping is done online. When on roadtrips, sometimes I can't wait to cross the border to a state where I can pump my own gas, swiping my card at the pump, so I never have to talk to a stranger.

But it's really easy to misunderstand when we are not sharing an experience with the person we are communicating with. Instead we communicate at each other. This makes it easy to project whatever expectations we want on another person, for good or for ill. We expect someone to behave badly, so our reaction to their note is a reaction to that expectation. You just can't hear a tone of voice, or share a smile via email.

I know there are good reasons for separating people in a home-buying situation. I also know that sometimes in life it's actually beneficial to a relationship to get it all said by writing one's feelings down in one long letter, but those are unique situations. For myself, I'm making an effort to be conscious of the way I connect with people. I'm trying to make a phone call rather than sending an email, an email instead of a text. I'm stopping into the store to ask my question rather than just searching the internet incessantly for answers. Heck, I'm even going into the bank rather than just walking up to the ATM, just to make the connection. Some days even that seems like more than I can handle, but I'm working on it. Nothing bad has happened yet.

Life is relationship. Plain and simple. We're here to experience what it's like to be different from everything else in order to have a relationship with it. The air we breathe, the chair we sit on, the food we eat, the music we listen to, the different people we meet, the places we go. We are in relationship with all of it. The big part of our relationship with our brothers and sisters here is to recognize that we are each a unique part of a greater, synergistic pattern - a much greater Whole - and the more we can connect with our hearts, the more we are doing what we're here to do.

So maybe that's my challenge to you. Give this a shot this week: When you're about to send an email, pick up the phone instead. Go into a store to buy something you were going to order online. Stop into the venue to ask your question. Look someone in the eye whose gaze you'd otherwise avoid. See what happens! It might feel unsafe and scary, but they're probably more afraid of you than you are of them.

Or is that bears?

Anyway, I'd love to hear what happens!