What, Me Worry?

True confessions, I have a tendency toward anxiety attacks. Recently I've discovered some physical relationships with those, and am better able to control them (energy work +magnesium = okay! energy work - magnesium = CRAZY), but I've gotten into these horrible loops where my total lack of control over anything in my future would seem to present an actual, physical threat, and I would totally cease to function. I would rationalize with myself, reminding myself that nothing bad was happening in that moment, which is all I needed to concern myself with. Didn't help. Last time it was earthquakes. I was literally convinced we were all going to die at any minute and I felt absolutely lost and helpless and completely nuts. And worry is now a rabid rhinoceros and reason is not an option.

Let me backtrack a minute. As a Reiki Master I teach Dr. Mikao Usui's 5 Reiki Principles. Each of these precepts is designed to help guide the practitioner in daily life. The version I was taught is as follows:

Just for today, I will not worry.
Just for today, I will not anger.
I will honor my parents, teachers, and elders.
I will earn my living honestly.
I will show gratitude for every living thing.
(and then my brain adds, "and live by the Girl Scout law," but that's just me.)

The anger thing is sometimes an iffy one for students, but the one that seems to cause the most consternation is "Just for today, I will not worry."

Now I'm never going to be comfortable with anything that has Thou Shalt in front of it, and I highly doubt Usui took that tone with his students, either. Still, so many of my students come back to me, hangdog, admitting that they just can't do it. Or they're frustrated because if feels crazy to even try. Because, geez! There's so much that can go wrong and so much to care about and fix and fret over.

Now, I don't actually think it's crazy to try not to worry, but at the same time worry naturally tends to beget itself. If I'm worried about not worrying because I shouldn't worry, then I'm stuck in a worrying loop and then I'm worried about the loop and so on. And what good is that? My panic attacks have taken on many shapes and faces over the years, and the mind just goes wherever the fixation is and just. won't. stop. It was once pointed out to me that people call it being Out of One's Mind, when in fact you're trapped in there and the walls are moving in and R2D2 is nowhere to be found...

And here's where the loop becomes a noose. I'm now not only paralyzed with fear, I'm also berating myself for stooping to worry when I should know better, and I try to vanquish the panic through reason. For a long time I just thought if I could get at the truth about why I was freaking out I could deal with that part of it, and it would stop. I could track my fear of earthquakes to my overweening sense of responsibility, or my belief that everything that happens in the universe is somehow up to me. Then I track that back to this instance in my childhood, or even this or that past-life experience and find the root, trying desperately to conquer that false belief in order to eliminate the core issue permanently. I could track the fix like a pro.

Didn't help me in the least. The mind just said, "Uh huh. That's nice. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEE!!!" See, this is an irrational operation, so reason isn't really a useful tool. You can use a lipstick to water the lawn for awhile, but pretty soon you're just going to get Viva Glam all over everything and the azaleas are only getting crispier.

Experience has taught me that truly the only thing I can do at that point is to just look the monster in the eye and offer my hand for a shake. Because it's apparently not going away, and you obviously aren't functioning while trying to fight it off. Might as well make nice. I'll just give in, I'll usually go completely numb, and tell myself, "yes, we're probably all going to die at any minute and you won't know where your loved ones are when the Big One hits and you don't have enough cat carriers and it's supposed to rain for the next 6 months nonstop and you probably don't have enough water stored. Yup. All true, friend. Okay. So what?"

And the mind just spins, but I can step out of it and say, "Wow. I'm totally out of control. This is extremely uncomfortable. I'm going to take another one of these deep breaths - gasps really - and maybe have a good cry and cancel my massage because it won't do any good." I just live with it as best I can. I've quit trying to track the emotional debris that's causing the freakout, quit judging my inability to let go of the insanity and just sit back and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Okay, Freakout. Freak right out. I'll be here when you're done, humming "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar.

My point is, no matter how useless worry is, it's something we're probably going to go back to now and again. I don't think worry in itself is a practical or undertaking, but viewed as part of a larger whole, with conscious intent, worry can be a powerful ally in our own evolution. I firmly believe that sometimes, when one can't let it go, it's better to just acknowledge it, give it a little hug, and go back to washing the dishes, because ultimately we know it isn't serving us, but it's a part of the experience right here, right now. So long as that ego-mind isn't running the show, worry can be a good teacher. It can show us where we're at right now, and ultimately teach us compassion for ourselves as human expressions of the Ultimate Divine. Only when we can conceive of compassion for our own, perfect imperfection can we truly feel that compassion for our brothers and sisters.

See the part of Just for Today, I Will Not Worry that draws my focus is the "just for today" part. Because if I'm truly focused in the present then I'm not worrying anyway. Worry is always about What's Gonna Happen, which we can't ultimately control or even know, even if you are a psychic or an astrologer. You still don't truly know. Ever.

And to my mind, that's what Usui's talking about in principle #1. Even if you are worried, just be here. Just show up. Just for today.

Roads Taken and Not

Some of you who read this (I actually do think there are more than 5 people, despite what Blogger indicates) might have noticed the lack of circles, classes and events Namaha's been hosting lately. I've had a sparsely attended Oneness Blessing circle at my office (a line, really. Me, point A, and one other, point B) and not much else. Now, if you've just read the mid-December newsletter or checked out the Facebook page you'll notice I'm suddenly cannonballing right back into the middle of the pool at a new venue with new offerings and new prospects, and all sorts of balls to juggle.

Why the ebb and flow, you ask? Why this grand lull in the action?

Too many ideas. Too many good, great, exciting, heart-centered, life-affirming CHOICES.

Does this happen to you?

For me there's a balance of expectation and realization. I'll take out the Roadmap of My Life and point to where I expect to be by X date. It's a fantastic place. A place I know I can get to. A place that is utterly affirming of all my gifts and skills and desires. A place that will prove I've been on the right track the whole time. Yep. That's where I'm a-goin'.

More often than not, the point on the map is so far from where I am, the roads to it seem almost limitless. I can take the 26W to the 101, or I can take 30 and cross the bridge to 14 and take a more scenic route. Or, of course, I could just take the direct-not-so-pretty route and take I-5 most of the way then drop down by the river...I could start another Reiki Circle, but which night of the month, and how many days each month? Should I work it so this client can come or that one? Should I teach workshops in places I've already worked, or should I branch out and try something new? Do I want to work out of my home or keep my office? Should I scrap the whole practice and just work on the book?

Which path is the right one?

Often it feels like I have to choose exactly the right thing, or nothing will work out. If I concentrate on this then I feel like a fraud here. If I schedule that and I'm not a complete expert on the subject then will I have anything to say?

I try to think about what route I do like to take to the coast. I almost always choose the most scenic, even if it takes a bit longer. And I don't mind if I pull off the road at a viewpoint and get distracted by a herd of Elk. Or if I get lost in the small town looking for a restroom at the halfway point. I don't even mind that I've forgotten the keys to the condo and we have to harrass all the neighbors trying to get in.

So why is it any different choosing my course in life? If I've set my sites on a destination, and I know pretty surely that I'm going to get there, then the route ought to be the most fun one, right?

Here's the thing. In the Indian energy anatomy there are two currents of energy running through the body (well, according to this map there are more like 72,000, but we'll just focus on these two.), one that goes up and out, merging with everything. The current of "enlightening" that connects us to All There Is. This is the Liberating Current, and it's what transcendental meditators seek to achieve. This freedom from all things physical. Which is one way. The other comes down from the heavens into us. It is what creates the universe. It is what turns thought to things. It is the direction of creation, called the Manifesting Current. While the Liberating Current brings us freedom, the Manifesting Current brings us - you guessed it - limitation. We have to exclude in order to create. We have the imagination to create the thought, and when we feed energy to that thought we create. We choose one thing at a time to bring into being.

Sometimes I feel too good rolling around in the vast field of unlimited possibility. I get very comfortable there. I get a little cocksure and snooty with the creativity that oozes from my inspired mind and I don't want to leave it's vision of sugar plums AND chocolate cake AND ice cream AND pumkin scones...okay so I'm hungry, but you see my point.

I've had to come to terms with this process for what it is. You have to pick one thing at a time. You have to cause something for it to have an effect. This doesn't mean that there isn't room for all of it to come about, but you can't put three feet forward at once. And by "you" I mean "I."

I'd say "just listen to your heart," but my heart gets overly enthusiastic too. "Yes! Absolutely! Oh wait! No! You should do that instead. Ooooh, that would be cool! Hey, aren't you doing the first thing? Can we go over there?" My heart is like a Labrador puppy at the beach sometimes. It's ALL good.

And I have to promise myself that it IS all good.

Because next time I'm revisiting this part of the map I might be on a motorcycle or have a flying car, and the trip will be different, but I can still go back and retrace my steps. I can pick a different route if I want to go to the same place. The road doesn't necessarily vanish just because you don't take it.

Trust, faith, not taking myself too seriously.

Okay, I think I got it.

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