What, Me Worry?

True confessions, I have a tendency toward anxiety attacks. Recently I've discovered some physical relationships with those, and am better able to control them (energy work +magnesium = okay! energy work - magnesium = CRAZY), but I've gotten into these horrible loops where my total lack of control over anything in my future would seem to present an actual, physical threat, and I would totally cease to function. I would rationalize with myself, reminding myself that nothing bad was happening in that moment, which is all I needed to concern myself with. Didn't help. Last time it was earthquakes. I was literally convinced we were all going to die at any minute and I felt absolutely lost and helpless and completely nuts. And worry is now a rabid rhinoceros and reason is not an option.

Let me backtrack a minute. As a Reiki Master I teach Dr. Mikao Usui's 5 Reiki Principles. Each of these precepts is designed to help guide the practitioner in daily life. The version I was taught is as follows:

Just for today, I will not worry.
Just for today, I will not anger.
I will honor my parents, teachers, and elders.
I will earn my living honestly.
I will show gratitude for every living thing.
(and then my brain adds, "and live by the Girl Scout law," but that's just me.)

The anger thing is sometimes an iffy one for students, but the one that seems to cause the most consternation is "Just for today, I will not worry."

Now I'm never going to be comfortable with anything that has Thou Shalt in front of it, and I highly doubt Usui took that tone with his students, either. Still, so many of my students come back to me, hangdog, admitting that they just can't do it. Or they're frustrated because if feels crazy to even try. Because, geez! There's so much that can go wrong and so much to care about and fix and fret over.

Now, I don't actually think it's crazy to try not to worry, but at the same time worry naturally tends to beget itself. If I'm worried about not worrying because I shouldn't worry, then I'm stuck in a worrying loop and then I'm worried about the loop and so on. And what good is that? My panic attacks have taken on many shapes and faces over the years, and the mind just goes wherever the fixation is and just. won't. stop. It was once pointed out to me that people call it being Out of One's Mind, when in fact you're trapped in there and the walls are moving in and R2D2 is nowhere to be found...

And here's where the loop becomes a noose. I'm now not only paralyzed with fear, I'm also berating myself for stooping to worry when I should know better, and I try to vanquish the panic through reason. For a long time I just thought if I could get at the truth about why I was freaking out I could deal with that part of it, and it would stop. I could track my fear of earthquakes to my overweening sense of responsibility, or my belief that everything that happens in the universe is somehow up to me. Then I track that back to this instance in my childhood, or even this or that past-life experience and find the root, trying desperately to conquer that false belief in order to eliminate the core issue permanently. I could track the fix like a pro.

Didn't help me in the least. The mind just said, "Uh huh. That's nice. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEE!!!" See, this is an irrational operation, so reason isn't really a useful tool. You can use a lipstick to water the lawn for awhile, but pretty soon you're just going to get Viva Glam all over everything and the azaleas are only getting crispier.

Experience has taught me that truly the only thing I can do at that point is to just look the monster in the eye and offer my hand for a shake. Because it's apparently not going away, and you obviously aren't functioning while trying to fight it off. Might as well make nice. I'll just give in, I'll usually go completely numb, and tell myself, "yes, we're probably all going to die at any minute and you won't know where your loved ones are when the Big One hits and you don't have enough cat carriers and it's supposed to rain for the next 6 months nonstop and you probably don't have enough water stored. Yup. All true, friend. Okay. So what?"

And the mind just spins, but I can step out of it and say, "Wow. I'm totally out of control. This is extremely uncomfortable. I'm going to take another one of these deep breaths - gasps really - and maybe have a good cry and cancel my massage because it won't do any good." I just live with it as best I can. I've quit trying to track the emotional debris that's causing the freakout, quit judging my inability to let go of the insanity and just sit back and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Okay, Freakout. Freak right out. I'll be here when you're done, humming "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar.

My point is, no matter how useless worry is, it's something we're probably going to go back to now and again. I don't think worry in itself is a practical or undertaking, but viewed as part of a larger whole, with conscious intent, worry can be a powerful ally in our own evolution. I firmly believe that sometimes, when one can't let it go, it's better to just acknowledge it, give it a little hug, and go back to washing the dishes, because ultimately we know it isn't serving us, but it's a part of the experience right here, right now. So long as that ego-mind isn't running the show, worry can be a good teacher. It can show us where we're at right now, and ultimately teach us compassion for ourselves as human expressions of the Ultimate Divine. Only when we can conceive of compassion for our own, perfect imperfection can we truly feel that compassion for our brothers and sisters.

See the part of Just for Today, I Will Not Worry that draws my focus is the "just for today" part. Because if I'm truly focused in the present then I'm not worrying anyway. Worry is always about What's Gonna Happen, which we can't ultimately control or even know, even if you are a psychic or an astrologer. You still don't truly know. Ever.

And to my mind, that's what Usui's talking about in principle #1. Even if you are worried, just be here. Just show up. Just for today.