Just Desserts

It's not always that easy to show myself I love me.

Lately I've been in this mode of observation, whereby I notice my mind taking an easier route than what actually makes me comfortable or content. Somehow, I've also been in a state of mind to see that that just doesn't fly.

For example, I was watching TV with my family a couple of weeks ago. I've got this pesky neck thing that requires a lot of paying attention and maintenance to avoid chronic discomfort. We were maybe 20 minutes into the movie, and I had already paused it for a good 5 minutes to get the tea ready for everyone, and I'm feeling like a heel because "I always do this. Everyone's always waiting for me." I notice my neck starting to complain and I start the inner turmoil about whether to stop the show again for all my silly physical issues, like some invalid prima donna. Then suddenly this light bulb flashed: I'm an expression of God and it's my job to take care of this vehicle I'm in. It's important for me to be comfortable. It's not trivial. I am a Divine Being. And I stopped the movie and got the bloody Bucky Pillow. No one even rolled their eyes.

Later that week I was at a birthday party which included a performance. I was standing in the corner, watching with some friends next to an empty chair. One friend asked if I wanted to sit. I did; my back was starting to get tired. Instead I shook it off. Why should I get the chair when someone else might want it? A few minutes went by and the light bulb, now swaying above me as if from a low ceiling, smacked me in the head. Um, sit in the chair. Take care of yourself. It's important.

It's an act of Love, is what it is.

Okay, so maybe this sounds tiny and trivial, but I began to put this notion into practice. Just here and there, to see what happened. Every time I notice I'm making a choice between convenience or not-being-a-bother and doing what my body or my being needs I tap into that love for all Creation, myself included, and the choice becomes clear. Flossing as a form of a hug.

Now let me take this one step further. I'm someone who, for the past several years, has suffered from a number of debilitating ailments. The list of foods I can't eat is now longer than the list of okay choices. This gets old. Physically, I know what the root of this issue is now. I know what to avoid to control it, and I've got assistance in taking things to eliminate it. Somehow, though, I still am challenged when it comes to making choices that don't cause me pain.

I've been telling myself stories from the role of the victim, the role of the addict, the role of the ignorant, the fixer, the child, the loser, etc. After even rounds of pharmaceuticals, I'm still struggling. And I can't stand explaining to EVERYONE what I can't eat and why and what it does and all the helpful suggestions and the looks of "Wow, you're a freak! I'm sure glad I'm not you!" I even got a "Oh. You're one of those!" sneers from a well-meaning church elder as I refused a homemade cinnamon roll.

So why won't any of it work? Have you guessed?

And I think this is a breakthrough. I am a Divine Creation and I deserve perfect health and well-being. This doesn't just mean, "okay. so now I believe wellness is available to me so now - heal me!" It means that every time I choose sprouted sunflower seeds over puffed millet (which hurts me) I am just overwhelmed with love. I can be in love with making choices that lead to feeling good. I am allowed to feel good because I am a Divine Creator. I am a part of God, Source, All-That-Is. I AM no less Divine than any reckoning of Divinity and it is a joy to care for this physical emanation that I have been gifted with in this moment.

Sometimes the story has been that I serve best by being ill - the Wounded Healer - but this is a martyr complex of sorts, isn't it? I think I've actually believed that someone somewhere actually benefits by my incapacity. This story also perpetuates the guilt that is generated by spending so much money (you have no idea) on all the supplements and treatments that I only need because I've got no will-power, right?

Holy Cow!

Okay, so listen up. Loving yourself, REALLY loving yourself, is no crime. It does no one any good to deny yourself the things you need to be well and strong and comfortable. I mean those things that come from a place of balance and centeredness. I don't mean those things you need to be better -the things the Western media would have you believe you need: a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect teeth, a perfect iPhone, even a perfect education. I mean those things that, in serving yourself, serves the greater whole. The things that come from the YES that sings in your heart and belly if you listen. It has a language of its own. It isn't hard to learn, once you let it in.

Be still. Breathe. Can you hear it?