Look Me in the Eye and Say That!

Right now we're in the process of selling my husband's family home. We're up to our neck in renovation demands we agreed to simply to keep the peace with the buyers, even though these requests don't seem altogether fair. We were given a hefty list of fairly expensive upgrades which even included an open-ended bill for the decommissioning of the oil tank. This was given to us by our realtor via her assistant via the buyers' realtor in a game of "telephone", and when we asked the buyers to just wait a minute until the estimate came back for the tank, panic ensued; the "we're-gonna-walk" card was played.

So now we're stuck paying for a whole bunch of stuff we hadn't planned for -stuff we really don't mind, but which was more expensive than we had imagined. Which is fine, really. However, I feel like much of the panic and frustration surrounding the process could have been avoided if we were able to look the buyers directly in the eye and have a conversation. If we were human beings to one another, and could hear the tone in the other's voice there would be an opportunity for a heart-connection that just isn't available in the current paradigm.

I know I'm guilty of perpetuating a similar sense of distance in my own life. I think it's just a mode we've gotten used to working in. I know I'd much rather start a conversation via email than (gasp) call someone on the phone, even though all my questions could easily be resolved in the space of moments, rather than days as I wait for a response. A lot of my shopping is done online. When on roadtrips, sometimes I can't wait to cross the border to a state where I can pump my own gas, swiping my card at the pump, so I never have to talk to a stranger.

But it's really easy to misunderstand when we are not sharing an experience with the person we are communicating with. Instead we communicate at each other. This makes it easy to project whatever expectations we want on another person, for good or for ill. We expect someone to behave badly, so our reaction to their note is a reaction to that expectation. You just can't hear a tone of voice, or share a smile via email.

I know there are good reasons for separating people in a home-buying situation. I also know that sometimes in life it's actually beneficial to a relationship to get it all said by writing one's feelings down in one long letter, but those are unique situations. For myself, I'm making an effort to be conscious of the way I connect with people. I'm trying to make a phone call rather than sending an email, an email instead of a text. I'm stopping into the store to ask my question rather than just searching the internet incessantly for answers. Heck, I'm even going into the bank rather than just walking up to the ATM, just to make the connection. Some days even that seems like more than I can handle, but I'm working on it. Nothing bad has happened yet.

Life is relationship. Plain and simple. We're here to experience what it's like to be different from everything else in order to have a relationship with it. The air we breathe, the chair we sit on, the food we eat, the music we listen to, the different people we meet, the places we go. We are in relationship with all of it. The big part of our relationship with our brothers and sisters here is to recognize that we are each a unique part of a greater, synergistic pattern - a much greater Whole - and the more we can connect with our hearts, the more we are doing what we're here to do.

So maybe that's my challenge to you. Give this a shot this week: When you're about to send an email, pick up the phone instead. Go into a store to buy something you were going to order online. Stop into the venue to ask your question. Look someone in the eye whose gaze you'd otherwise avoid. See what happens! It might feel unsafe and scary, but they're probably more afraid of you than you are of them.

Or is that bears?

Anyway, I'd love to hear what happens!